


i close my eyes and still see you

by eddiekspbraks



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Richie Tozier - Freeform, eddie kasprak - Freeform, im really bad at tags, it's pretty sad, modern eddie kaspbrak, modern richie tozier, richie tozier/eddie kasbrak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 13:01:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eddiekspbraks/pseuds/eddiekspbraks
Summary: Eddie relives the moment where he realises that he loves Richie, but it's too late.





	i close my eyes and still see you

**Author's Note:**

> this is pretty shit oneshot/hc thing and it was written quickly but i'd like to thank my friend erin for looking over my work haha.  
> i hope you like it :)

**Play**. You play the moment in your mind in which it happened. It’s like a vivid dream that’s happening right in front of you, yet it isn’t a dream and more of a harsh reality of a memory stuck replaying in your head over and over. You watch as Richie crosses the road as you also watch the car approaching. The car which doesn’t stop in time. The car which hits Richie. _Bang_. There was no chance in stopping it, there was nothing you could do. Yet you didn’t do anything, did you, Eddie? No, you didn’t. You run into the road now, not caring whether you get injured or not. But you don’t crouch down and cry or try to do something to save him when you reach Richie. You just stand. You stand over him, not wanting to look at his still pretty, yet bruised face, or to touch his wrist and check for a pulse. You wouldn't want to catch those germs would you, Eddie? Those diseases which form on dying bodies, they could infect you, hurt you. So you don’t touch and you do nothing to help. Nothing at all. 

 

**Pause**.You pause the memory, it doesn’t fade, it just sits there, dead in your eyes. You recognise the point that you could’ve stopped this from happening. You see and feel and hear the happiness coming from Richie as he crosses the road to meet you. You can see the smile on his face and the brightness in his eyes. A brightness which has now faded to black. This is the point where you could’ve stopped it, Eddie. You could’ve told him to wait, or crossed the road yourself. But no, you were selfish and didn’t want to press the button to put the traffic lights on red in fear of getting germs on your hands. Your silly little phobias cost a life, Eddie. You’ll forever be haunted by that sweet smelling aroma drifting from the nearby flower store, it now being too sickly to smell with the association between this event and it. You remember your first date with him. He took you to that very same flower store, and it made you  _ so  _ happy. Now that memory is ruined, just don’t think, Eddie. _Don’t think_. Yet you have to think. That’s how you’ll cope, think of the good times. You’ll never be able to think of the good times, not anymore. They’re tainted.

 

**Rewind**. You rewind back to that very moment that you met, it’s like you were friends who just hadn’t seen each other in a little while. You just had that spark with Richie. An unbreakable bond that had turned into love. Shit, you had never said ‘ _I love you_.’ He had died not knowing that you had loved him, tremendously so. How you wish you could replace yourself with him, be him in that situation and die instead of Richie. But no, that’s even more selfish. You’d rather live with the pain than have Richie go through the same. You’d promised to take care of him, to watch over him. But you fucking didn’t Eddie, you didn’t. How are you going to explain this to Bill, to Beverly, to Stan, to _anyone_? How can you explain that this is your fault without losing everyone else? You don’t want to lose the only people you have left in your life. But you know it’s your fault and you know they’ll hate you for it. You could’ve done more.

 

**Stop**. Eddie, it’s time for you to stop. You couldn’t do anything, you couldn’t. You know he’s dead now, but it’s hard to shake the feeling off of you that something is missing. You go to call his phone, to realise that he’s still gone after the phone line goes silent. You hear a tap on the window pane, totally thinking that it’s Richie at your window again. You turn around and are about to tell him to ‘ _fuck off_ ’ for the third damn time. But it’s not Richie, it’s just a branch blowing in the wind. You said you hated him coming to your house at ungodly hours of the night, but you secretly loved it. It made you feel safe and protected. I suppose you’ll never feel protected anymore. This is it, Eddie. The end of the line. It’s getting late, take your pills, get changed and sleep. Get into that routine and you’ll forget everything. You’ll become a ghost, a living one at that. But you’ll be invisible to the world, isn’t that what you wanted, Eddie? You’re nothing without Richie. _Nothing_.


End file.
